Saving Soph

So as many of you know I moved to London at the start of February for a new job. But as many of you don’t know I have struggled for many many years with my mental health. Taking the job in London was in my mind a last ditch effort to save myself and I naivly thought that moving was a good thing for me to do.

As it has turned out for a number of reasons this move has not been good for my mental health and I have really struggled since I got here. I have tried to engage with mental health services and I have got a private therapist but as has been the case for most of my adult life nothing seems to be helping.

I have tried so many therapists drugs and interventions over the years and nothing has worked. I have diagnosis of Bipolar, EUPD, ADHD, and binge eating disorder and I find life so so difficult to manage. But in recent weeks I have come to the realisation that no one is coming to save me. And if I am going to get better I have to do it myself.

So I have started this page to document my journey, so I can keep track of how I’m doing, so friends and family can keep updated with how I am doing without me having to keep having multiple conversations, and for me to be totally vulnerable but also have some accountability to do the things for myself that I say I am going to do.

I am hoping that over time I will start to see improvement and find things that can help me and who knows maybe I can help other people in the future overcome the struggled I am trying to overcome.

This will be difficult for some people to hear but I feel like i’ve reached such a low point that my only options now are to get better or die. Im still struggling with those thoughts about dying, even having reached out to a place in Switzerland that will euthanise you. But there is this other part of me that wants to fight to live.

That really is intrigued to see if I can get better, plus I would feel so guilty to not be here anymore for the pain and hurt it would cause family and friends. My real challenge is finding the will to want to fight for me. I don’t care about myself and I don’t believe in myself so fighting for me is hard. But I figure the more I start showing up for myself and keeping the promises I have kept to myself, and the more I start to see improvement that the love for myself will grow.

So this is literally just the beginning. This is me saying outwardly that I am going to fight for myself.

If you want to follow along to see how I’m doing then keep watching. I have a lot to say and its going to be raw and open.

I saw this post on instagram the other day about shame and I realised that that is what I have been living in. I wrote a comment on the post and someone replied. I asked what I could do to get out of this state and they said to look at Brene Brown. So I did and when I did I she spoke about being vulnerable.

So here I am being vulnerable and sharing the deepest parts of me.

Thank you for reading.

Sophie