Saving Soph

So as I’ve stated I moved to London at the beginning of Feb. Moving from Lancaster to London was a big move. As I have said I had put a lot of emphasis on it being my last hope. Even telling myself that if it didn’t work out then it really was the end for me. Probably not the most helpful start but this is literally how my brain works and this is the problem.

Ive done this many times with many things. Thinking something external of me can fix me. Once I have a career, a relationship, a house, money etc I will feel better, feel secure. None of it has ever worked. So here I was moving to London thinking it was going to solve all my problems.

I don’t really think I had the capacity to make that decision but I’m 36 years old so who could have stopped me really. I suppose its with anything, I had to have the realisation for myself.

So I moved here in Feb and I got off to a rocky start. I was emotional from the beginning. Had a hard start with work and inductions and just felt totally unstable. I realised very quickly that the job I had signed up for wasn’t for me and I started to totally panic.

I could not sit with these difficult thoughts and emotions. I could not tell myself that everything was going to be ok. To me I had made a massive mistake and now I couldn’t go back. Nor did I want to really, I wanted to make this work. I got my head down and just tried to carry on working.

I didn’t like my job because it involves working with machinery and I’m a nurse, I want to work with people, and I had had a bad start with management. As part of my induction weeks I got sent to a general dermatology unit and loved my day there. It was more what I was used to, doing day treatments and dealing with Eczema and Psoriasis. They told me there was a job advertised so I decided to apply.

As mentioned I had difficulty with management from the start, mostly just miscommunication but as you can imagine it didn’t go down well when two weeks into my job I said I had applied for another job. Anyway I ended up being offered the job. A major achievement really seeing as on the days running up to and of the interview I was a total mess.

While all this has been going on I have been trying to get my mental health care sorted. I registered with a GP who referred me to the local mental health services. I was very nervous about moving to London because of all the services I was under in Lancaster and the support i was getting. Not that any of it was helping. But I didn’t let the thought of my healthcare being disrupted stop me from moving to London because I was so focused on the thought that this new job was going to ‘SAVE’ me.

Anyway with my mental health being so bad in the first couple of weeks I was referred to the home treatment team. Who saw me a few times a week, I saw a psychiatrist who didn’t prescribe me any medication and a psychologist who tried to get me to do things to help myself but I didn’t because I never do. I tried to explain that I just don’t want to do things to help myself because I feel like I’m not worth the effort. But really they can’t to do it for me can they?! If I’m not prepared to help myself who can.

Anyway I was under the home treatment team for three weeks, going to regular appointments and them talking to me on the phone. After three weeks I was discharged and told the local primary care team would be in touch. In the meantime I carried on working. I was doing ok at work, my managers knew now about my new job and I was just trying to keep my head down. Until one day I cracked, someone asked me how I was and I broke down. I do wear my heart on my sleeve anyway so I find it easier to be honest than pretend but it was the way she asked me. It was just a ‘how are you?’, it was a ‘how are you? you don’t seem ok, is everything alright?’

Any I just cracked, it all came out. One of the other nurses came over and I just let it all out. How much I was struggling. My desire to die. From there everything just snowballed. She phoned the matron, and she came to see me and the cat was out of the bag. My fresh start away from my mental health where I could reinvent myself at work OVER. They were obviously very worried about me. I was referred to occupational health and all my managers and matrons knew including the ones from the new job.

I again carried on working, I thought it would be good for me. Plus I didn’t want to show ‘weakness’. And on the 24th March I made a resolve that I was going to start helping myself. Starting with the thing that was upsetting me most. My weight. I had already had a strong start on this since moving to London and had been going to the gym and doing Lighterlife but I was going to up my exercise game.

I was already two stone down but also thought I would start doing meditation, and yoga. So I started strong. Had a good week. and then I had a massive binge one day and didn’t go the gym. I was so mad at myself. I had let myself down again. It sent me into another very dark and lonely place.

I woke up the next day, yesterday and couldn’t face going to work. I was deep in shame. And here we are coming back to shame again. I rang in sick and was facing a day just lying in bed. In despair. But I realised I had to get up. Fight. I started with writing myself a letter of forgiveness for my actions the day before. Not letting myself off the hook completely but realising that beating myself up was going to get me nowhere.

But at the same time reminding myself that every time I fall off track like that I’m taking myself further from my goal.

Then I decided to get up and go to the Drs. She still hadn’t done the referral to the ADHD service or the eating disorder service and as much as I was going to help myself I do need these services too.

On my way home from doing that I got a phone call from occupational health at work saying that unfortunately their psychologist couldn’t help me and that I would have to go back to the primary care trust.

This then reminded me, (ADHD brain) that they had never got in touch with me so I decided to ring them. They told me they had only just received the referral. But I did not understand how this was possible. I had been discharged from the home treatment team nearly two weeks ago. I insisted on talking to someone to try and get the help I needed. The woman told me she would send an email and then put the phone down on me. So I thought right I will ring the home treatment team. They were adamant they had done the referral on the 22nd but obviously someone was lying.

In their attempt to get rid of me they sent me an address to turn up at where I could find someone from the PCMHT and off I went. I turned up and where they sent me to there was no one there. I was just hot desks. Some kind nurse took pity on me and took me to another part of the building where I was then seen.

They sat with me for a couple of hours and said they would do what they can t help but it became clear that there also wasn’t going to be any help there either. All this has just cemented my resolve to help myself. That no one is coming to save me and its going to have to be me.

To make matters even worse, I went on instagram and saw a band 7 job in the department where I’m currently working my notice that would have been a great opportunity had I not been so hasty and in a rush to leave my current department.

Then I got outside and realised I had parked in the staff car park and was going to get a £60 fine.

But as was my promise to myself that morning I had said I was going to go for a run, so I went and did 5k. Then I smashed my phone case. and this morning someone from my old eating disorder service said they would call me but hasn’t. Again being let down by all these services only tells me I have got to do this myself.

Im the only person I can rely on.